Monday, December 7, 2009

Utter Disgust... Complete and Utter Disgust...

In myself. I am disgusted.

I had a mini breakdown today. Well, not so mini. I ranted (to/at myself) for 15 minutes. It was a bit of a tirade. Cursing everything. Cursing everyone. Cursing myself.

I have been feeling uber sluggish lately, my energy is lacking, and the pants are getting noticeably snugger. For the last two weeks, I have casually walked past the scale in my office; knowing in my gut what the truth was, but sneakily avoiding it. Last week, in a far too rare conversation with Ally, she asked me, "Do you think you could lose 10 pounds by Christmas?" I confidently replied, "Sure. No sweat." Yeah. Riiiiigggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhtttttttttt.

So, after a weekend filled with basketball practice (in which I discovered if you don't use those defensive stance muscles, they will HURT you... I can barely walk today), splitting 1/2 a cord of wood, stacking previously mentioned wood, raking leaves and spreading 9 yards of gravel... not only do I feel as though my body was hit by a Mack Truck, I am disgusted with myself. I SHOULD be able to do those things. Physical work used to be a piece of cake. Wait... I was in better physical shape then.... therein lies the major problem. Oh. And I stayed up until 4:30 a.m. on Saturday evening celebrating the 27th birthday of one of my oldest and bestest friends. Sidenote: we have since concluded that we may be too old for those kind of evenings anymore. In short, my body is beaten. And bruised. And still screams in pain when I stand up from my chair. But... its coming back.

I have been avoiding the scale in my office. Like the plague. Since I don't own a scale, I try to hop on the one at work once a week or so. Yeesh. So I hopped on today. Not good. My self-esteem wasn't ready for this this morning. I am going the gym tonight. No ifs, ands, or buts.


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