Monday, January 18, 2010
I need to cut myself some slack
If you've been reading past posts, you know that I am on this whole total body wellness kick. I recognize and embrace that being healthy isn't just reaching your goal weight and fitting into the coveted size 8 skinny jeans you're been salivating over for months. Its more than that. A lot more.
For those of you who don't know me personally, let me enlighten you a bit about my personality. I am one of those people who loves to have a million things going on at once; the challenge of juggling a variety of things at the same time really excites me. The more you put in front of me, the more focused and determined I become. However, if left to my own devices, without a list of things I want to do that day (yes, I am one of those people), I will spend the day on the couch with Rodeo, catching up on past episodes of Gossip Girl and Grey's Anatomy. Wasting away. Ugh. So, I make a list for myself each night, and its the first thing I review in the morning. These lists are usually super basic, like:
1. Up at 5:15
2. Go Coffee
3. Don't forget: Lunch, Gym bag, Work clothes
4. Gym at 5:45
5. Work at 7:50
Somehow, writing this simple list down before I fall asleep helps me out. I look at it in the morning, and it just starts me off on the right foot. When I get to work, I start a new work list for that day. Extremely nerdy, but hey, it works for me. Needless to say, I thrive on routine. My lists keep me sane, and keeps me going on the same routine. Every now and then I stray from the black and white of my lists into the forbidden gray area. When I am hanging out in the gray area, I tend to lose track of my goals. And when this happens, I tend to beat myself up. In a big way. And then I figure that I have already fucked up, so there is no point in trying. I failed.
I am learning to cut myself some slack. For example, this weekend my old roommate was in town and we went to breakfast. I was craving a Bloody Mary (this is unusual for me, I really don't care for them), so I allowed myself to have one. And then another one. They were delicious. But I felt guilty for the rest of the weekend for going off my 'No Drinking' goals. Is it the end of the world that I had a drink? No. Did I over indulge? No. Was a bloody mary a better choice than a beer or a margarita? Yes. Did I enjoy it? Hell yes. And as well I should. I didn't do anything wrong, I was just so stuck in my 'don't drink' mode that I had a hard time giving myself a break.
Worse, on Sunday I ate a donut. And then I puked.
I knew I shouldn't have ate it, I knew I shouldn't have even bought the stupid thing. But it was almost 11, I hadn't eaten breakfast and I was at the grocery store. It was a quick fix to my hunger. I felt like absolute shit the moment I ate it. I am not sure if it was the overwhelming guilt I felt about eating something so bad for me (wheat products plus sugar overload) or just that fact that my wasn't used to the richness. Either way, it made me sick to my stomach. Ish. So not worth it.
The visceral response (whether it be from guilt or the food itself) was a step in the right direction in my opinion. Obviously my body (or mind) was rejecting the donut. And believe me, I never want to eat a donut again. They definitely don't taste delicious when they are coming back up. Sorry, TMI. Yet still, I berated myself for hours about the stupid decision to purchase the donut in the first place. AH. The trials and tribulations of dieting and being a more healthy person. Next time, I will walk right past the donut case and purchase an apple. A delicious juicy apple.