A letter from Ally's bottom

Dear Ally,

I've been your bottom since you were born and when you were a little baby you had a cute little bottom. Actually you had the cutest little bottom up until you were maybe 13 and then your bottom turned into the curvacious ass.

It was an honor being your curvacious ass up until you went to college.

Then everything went downhill.

You decided that you were still going to eat the same amount of food as you did when you were an active adolescent. I think carbs-a-plenty was your diet. Then you decided that you, your mouth, and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups were going to be the terrific trio.

Well guess what happened after you did that! Your ass got fat!

Then you went to Norway and your ass was getting back to the way it was and I was happy for it.

But then you got pregnant and around 8 months your ass got REALLY big. Like continental. Not so happy about this.

Then you had the baby and your ass was still big but it was getting smaller because your baby sucked the life...I mean milk out of you(r boobs). So that helped your ass get a little smaller.

Oh but THEN! you decided to uproot from Boston to Hawai'i and then just really let yourself go! Good grief woman! Have you no shame? No pride? I mean come on! I can't squeeze myself into your skinny jeans anymore and hey - your ass looks pretty sweet in those jeans. Granted we look good in the Michael Kors jeans right now but lady, those are a size 16, SIXTEEN!!!!!!! The biggest size you've ever been in.

This needs to stop.

Now!

Please do something about this because fat asses do not get tapped. Plus, it's so much easier to run without feeling the jiggle wiggle.

With love,
Your (eager to fit in a size 8 again) Bottom

P.S. Stop eating so much cheese - I don't like burping it or in your case farting. Stick to pineapples and manoges.